joke

A man was trying to quit the army job under some pretext. He pondered this for several months. Finally, a suggestion came to his mind. He went to the doctor and said. "Doctor, my vision is very poor, it doesn't work at all.” 

The doctor said. "Sit down in that chair, then I'll listen to you in detail.”

"Which chair?" 

The doctor grabbed him by the arm and sat him in a chair and asked. "Don't you see the chair? 

"Not at all.” 

"Well, now read the fifth line.” The doctor pointed to a chart on the wall. 

"Where do I read from?" 

"Look at the chart.” 

"Which chart?" 

"The same chart which is hanging on the front wall." 

"But where is the wall?" 

Now the doctor had been convinced that he had indeed lost his vision hence he gave him permanent release from the army. As soon as he came out, he gave a loud laugh. He was very happy. He went to see a movie in a nearby cinema house. He was taken aback when the film ended. The doctor who had discharged him due to visual impairment was sitting in the seat next to him. The doctor recognized him but he said without expressing any panic. "Why sir! Where will this bus go?"

Football

Two football players were talking. One of them said. "One day I threw the football so high that it came back two hours later."

Other said. "It is nothing. I threw a football so high one day that it came back two days later and there was a note with it. On it was written that this football should not come to the moon in the future."

Neighbor

First friend: "What happened? Why are you crying?"

Second friend: "My neighbor has beaten me."

First friend: "But why?"

Second friend: “Neighbor's child has gone missing, so I suggested that you search on Google."
But why?

A man risked his life and pulled six people out of the burning building. For doing so, people beat him badly.

But why?

Because they were all fire brigade men, who were extinguishing the fire.
Joke with Secretary

At an event, an officer was in a very good mood.  Suddenly he asked his secretary. "What did your father do?"

"He was a cobbler".  The secretary replied.

"Then why didn't he make you a cobbler." 

The secretary never expected this question from his officer. He was very embarrassed and everyone laughed at the ceremony.

The secretary silenced everyone with a gesture of his hand and addressed the officer.  "What did your father do Sir?"

"He was a gentleman," The officer said smartly."

Secretary said. "Then why didn't he make you a gentleman?"
Pickpocket

James gave a lift to someone. On the way, the man told him that he is a famous pickpocket. On hearing this, James's hands and feet swelled and the car climbed into the footpath in panic. There was a traffic sergeant nearby. He took the car papers and his license from James. After handing over the car papers and license to the sergeant, James pushed the car forward and said to the pickpocket. "I got big trouble, because of you. Now I have to go to court." 

The pickpocket put his hand in his pocket and pulled something out and held it out to James, saying, "there is no need to go to court. Take your car papers and license book."
Promise 

Promise me, Sophia, that you will always remember me.

I promise that I will always remember you.

"Sophia how nice you are."

That's not it. Your breath stinks so much that no one can forget you for the rest of their lives.
China

Teacher: "Is China more distant or the sun?"

Student: "China."

The teacher said in surprise: "How?"

Student: "Sir, we can see the sun but we cannot see China."
Abuses

One person: "Your little child gives very bad abuses."

Second person: "There is nothing wrong. When he will be grown up, he will give very good abuses.”
Spy

A spy was captured in World War II. The military court sentenced him to death. An army officer was ordered to take him 10 miles away from the city and shoot him. No vehicle was available. So the military officer took the spy with him and started walking. They had just travelled a short distance when a strong storm hit. It became difficult for both of them to walk. 

The detective said with a cold sigh. “How unlucky I am too that in this bad weather I am going ten miles away to be target of your bullet.”

The army officer said. “I am more unfortunate than you. You are only going but I have to come back too.”
Scout Master

One scout master was very strict, but he used to emphasize on this that every scout in the camp should eat good food. One day he saw two scouts carrying a large bowl of soup. He ordered. "Bring me a spoon, I want to taste it."

The boys had just opened their mouths to say something when he said scolding them. "I won't hear a word, do what I said."

So a spoon was brought. He filled a spoon and put it in his mouth, his mouth became. Most of the soup comes out of the mouth. His eyes boiled up in anger. He said in extreme anger. "It cannot be called soup at all. Do you call it soup?"

A scout boy said. "No, sir, that's what we wanted to say that this is solute to wash dishes."
Cannibals

A man was captured by the cannibals and taken to their chief. Man was astonished to see that the chief of cannibals was speaking good English and had educated at Oxford University. He said to the chief. "How can you eat me, while you're an Oxford educated person?

Chief replied. "With a knife and fork."
Definition of Girl

A teacher asked his students to describe the definition of girl. The first boy describes the definition of girl with these words:  "A girl is like a flower, keep smelling it, keep smelling it, when you get bored, change it."

The second boy described the definition of girl something like this:  "A girl is like a book, keep reading it, keep reading it, when you get bored, change it."

Now the third student was a pathan. He describes the definition of girl with these interesting words: "A girl is like a gramophone record, listen to it over and over again, when you are bored, change the side and listen again."
Donkeys in Sleep

First madman said. "I see donkeys playing football in my sleep at night."

The other madman spoke in a worried tone. “You should go to a good doctor immediately."

First madman said: "I will go tomorrow."

Second madman asked: "But why not today?"

First Madman replied: "Tonight is their final match."
Ten thousand dollars

A poor man used to write on a piece of paper every day. "O my God, send me ten thousand dollars."

Then he would tie this paper to a balloon and blow it towards the sky. There was a police station nearby. When the flying balloon would pass over the police station, the policemen would catch it. They would open the paper tied to the balloon and read the writing on it and laugh at the prayer of this poor and gullible man. One day, the policemen decided to help this poor man by reading the text written on the paper tied to the balloon. So, all the policemen collected donations together. But they could collect only five thousand dollars with great difficulty. Then they gave this money to the poor man's house.

On the second day, the policemen saw the same balloon again. They were very surprised. They immediately grabbed the balloon. When they read the text written on the paper tied to the balloon, they lost their consciousness. It was written on paper. "O God, thank you. I have received the money you sent, but you should not have sent this money through the policemen. Those tyrants have eaten half the money themselves."
Robbery Plan

Two madmen were planning a bank robbery. First madman said: "First we will rob bank number one, then bank number two and then bank number four."

Second madman said: "But you have forgotten the bank number three."

First madman said: "I haven't forgotten it idiot, we will deposit the money we rob in bank number three".
Bequeath of Lawyer 

A wealthy lawyer had no children. He bequeathed that after his death all his wealth should be divided equally among the madmen. Seeing the will, people asked the reason, and he replied. "I got all this wealth from such people."
Rude Waiter

One man complained to the hotel manager about the waiter: "Your waiter is very rude, he does not come even when called again and again. 

The manager apologized to the customer and called the waiter to scold him. Then the manager angrily scolded the waiter in the presence of the customer:

"Stupid, incompetent! Sir has been barking like a dog for a long time, and you don't listen. If this is the condition of your service, which donkey will come here?"
Lie and Truth

The judge asked the accused. "You know what will happen if you lie?"

Accused replied. “I will go to hell."

Judge asked again. "And if you will tell the truth, then...?"

Accused replied. "I will lose this case."
Boyfriend

A girl said to her boyfriend. "Don't smoke, it smells bad." 

Hearing this, the boy quit the smoking. A few days later, the girl said him again. "You should stop drinking otherwise your health will deteriorate."

After that the boy stopped drinking. Then a few days later the girl said to her boyfriend. "You should ride the bike slowly so as not to have an accident."

The boy also started riding the bike slowly. A few days later the girl said again. "You should change your hair style, I don't like such hair."

So, the boy changed his hair style as per his girlfriend's wish. A few months later, the girl spoke in a sad tone. "You have changed. Now you are no longer the same."
Barber

The barber of a town in a certain country was very arrogant and obstinate. One day a customer told him that after few days he is going to the capital city and he would also try to meet the king. The barber mocked him. "You will meet the king, I laugh at this thought. Why would the king meet with a fool like you?"

On hearing this, customer kept quiet. A month later, the same customer again went to the barber for a haircut. The barber asked him in a sarcastic tone. "How did you like the capital city?" 

"It was a lot of fun and I also met the king." The customer replied.

"You must have seen the king passing by on some road."Said the barber with a laugh.

"Yes." Customer said. "But two guards came to me and they said that the king wants to meet you. They took me to the king."

"Really.... What did the king say to you?" Inquired the barber in astonishment.

The customer replied calmly. "King asked me, which fool has cut your hair so badly?"
Successful Treatment

A madman was about to leave the mental hospital after a successful treatment, when one of the mental hospital doctors said to him. "Why sir how are you feeling now, you must be feeling very happy while going home?"

The recovering madman said in a sad tone, "I am not happy at all, I am very sad today."

"But why?" Doctor asked in surprise.

The recovering madman said with a cold sigh. "When I came here, I was the president of the country and now I am going back as a common man."