joke

 A Loving Conversation

A loving conversation was going on between the husband and wife. The wife asked. "If I die, what will you do? Will you marry again?"

"My darling! How can any other woman come into my life except you? I will never marry again. I will spend my whole life in your memory." The husband replied in a loving tone.

The wife also said in a loving ton: "Darling, I am very much worried about you.  I don't want you to live like crazy people after my death. Please get married after my death."

The husband said: "Even after death, you are worrying so much for me."

"You promise me that you will definitely get married after my death." The wife insisted.

The husband said: "Okay, I will get married again, but only because of you."

"Will you live in this house with your new wife?" The wife asked.

The husband replied: "Yes, but I won't let him use your room?"

"Will you let him drive my car?" Asked the wife again.

The husband replied: "No, it's yours, I'll keep it as your memorial and buy a new car for her." 

"Will you let him use my jewelry?" Asked the wife next question.

The husband replied:  "No, how can I do that? Your memories are attached to this jewelry and I am sure my new wife will have her own jewelry of her choice."

"Will you let him wear my shoes?" Asked the wife another question.

"Absolutely not. That can't happen. Your shoes are nine inches in size and Maria's shoes are seven inches in size." The husband spoke in a hurry, but as soon as he realized that he had inadvertently revealed his secret, he put his hand on his forehead and said: "Oh shit."

The wife got angry at once. She took off her shoe and hit her husband, saying: "You shameless bastard, I already suspected that you secretly meet a girl.

Bear

A woman was attacked by a bear. Nearby, her husband was watching the scene with a gun in his hand. A man said to the woman's husband. "Why don't you shoot?"

Husband replied. I will definitely shoot her, but first I want to see if the bear does this work instead of me."

Mobile Phone

A woman tired of office work boarded a bus after vacation. After sitting on the seat, she closed her eyes to relax a little. As soon as the bus left, a man sitting in the next seat took out his cell phone and started talking loudly. He was speaking to his wife on the phone.

"Darling, I have sat in the bus and am coming home."

"Yes, yes, I know it's seven o'clock, not five.  There was a lot of work in the office today, that's why I'm late."

"No, I was not with Lorraine, I was in a meeting with the boss."

"No darling, there is no other woman in my life except you."

"Yes, by God..."

The woman's entire program of relaxation was ruined by this loud continuous conversation, and she was feeling very uncomfortable. When this process continued for a long time, the woman's patience was exhausted. She got up and went near to the phone and spoke loudly.  "Turn off the phone.  How much more will you explain to this crazy woman?"

Now that man has returned from the hospital, but he has completely stopped using mobile phone in public places.

Water is deep.

"But mom, why can't I go for a bathing in the river?" 

"Son, the water is very deep.” 

"But father is also bathing there.” 

"The father's case is something else. He is insured."

Kiss

First friend: "Why are you so worried?"

Second friend replied: "My wife charges me two dollars for each kiss."

First friend told him: "You are very lucky, otherwise she charges four dollars per kiss from the rest of the people of the neighborhood."

Blind Man

A blind man went to a five-star hotel for eating. The manager asked, placing the menu in front of him. "What will you take sir?"

He said, "I am a blind man, dip a spoon in all cooked things in the kitchen and bring it to me, I will smell it and order."

The manager was very surprised to hear this. He thought in his heart. "How can a person tell by smell what we have cooked today?"

Anyhow, he repeatedly dipped the spoon in various cooked things and gave it to the blind person for smelling. After smelling the spoon, the blind man would tell every time exactly that what item was cooked. Thus, after smelling all the cooked items in the kitchen, he ordered his desired food. This series continued for a week. The blind man would come to the hotel daily. He would order his desired food after smelling the food items and go away after eating. One day the manager thought of playing mischief with blind man. He went to the kitchen and spoke to his wife. "Vida, wet the spoon with your lips."

Vida rubbed the spoon with her lips and gave it to the manager. The manager went and gave that spoon to the blind man and spoke. "Tell, what we cooked today."

The blind man sniffed the spoon and said happily. "My classmate Vida works here."

On hearing this, the manager fainted.

Paris Tour

A man sitting in the office received information that he had won the prize for the Paris tour in competition. He immediately telephoned his wife happily. "Darling, do you want to see Paris?"

Wife said happily. "Surely, Paris has been in my dreams for a long time. I will definitely go with you. Who are you speaking?"

Fear 

A gentleman said: "The whole life is spent in fear.....first from the parents, then from the teachers, then from the officers, then from death and then from the account of deeds before God after death."

I asked: "You didn't mention your wife."

He said: "I did not mention my wife out of her fear."

Tickets

A husband and wife received two tickets for a movie by post. There was no writing of any kind with these tickets. There was not even the name of the sender.

An argument started between husband and wife. The husband said that these tickets are sent by someone of his friends, while the wife insisted that these tickets are sent by someone of her friends.

Finally both went to watch the movie. On return, all the valuables of the house were missing and it was written on a piece of paper. "Thanks for watching movie."
Millionaire 

One woman said to another woman. "Just two months after the wedding, I made my first husband a millionaire."

"So, was he very poor at first?" The other woman asked.

The first woman replied. "No, before this, he was billionaire.”
Male Weakness

A professor had male weakness. That is why his wife was no happy with him. One day they decided to raise chickens at home to get eggs. So the professor's wife brought a hen and seven cocks from the market. The professor asked in surprise. "So many cocks for one hen."

The wife replied with a cold sigh. "There is only one cock among them, all the others are professors."
Flower 

Once a man came out of the house crying. His head was torn. His friend asked. "What happened?"

He said. "My wife hit me flower on my head."

The friend said sarcastically. "Your head exploded with flower."

The man said, wiping his tears. "Actually, there was also flowerpot with the flower."
20 years ago

In middle of the night, wife's eyes suddenly opened. She saw that her husband is not in bed. She was worried. So she came to the kitchen in search of her husband.

In the kitchen she saw her husband holding a mug of coffee immersed in deep thought. She asked her husband in a loving tone. "What are you doing here right now?"

Husband asked his wife in a sad tone with a cold sigh. "Darling you remember, when we used to meet secretly 20 years ago."

"Yes, I remember," Wife replied.

Husband spoke in a broken tone. "Do you also remember this that one time your father caught us and at that time, he pointed a gun at me and said that marry my daughter or get ready to go to jail for twenty years."

"Yes, I remember very well." Wife replied.

Husband said, wiping his tears. "Twenty years have passed since this incident and today I was to be released."
Training 

Husband: "Why are you wasting time on this dog, you cannot train this dog?"

Wife: "You don't remember, in the beginning I had similar difficulty to train you."
Married Man

A married man was talking to his sister on the phone. He was telling his sister while crying. "Sister, I have been married for seventeen years. In these seventeen years my wife has wasted a lot of my money. Whenever I have a fight with him, that bastard sends plane tickets to his two brothers in Los Angeles with my money and they come to Chicago on a plane and beat me a lot. Then I also pay for the return of his two brothers. For God's sake, tell me some way, I am spending a lot of money."

Sister spoke. "My dear brother, do so, you shift to Los Angeles and then you won't have to spend money on plane tickets."
Gentleman

A gentleman arrived at a luxurious restaurant. He pointedly called waiter to him and placed some money on his hand and said. "This reward is for the work you are going to do for me this evening."

Waiter was very happy to see the money. He said, understanding the meaning. "Sir, you be absolutely satisfied. When you come with your friends in the evening, I will reserve a perfect place for you."

"No, no.”Gentleman explained. “In the evening my wife and mother-in-law will come with me and I want that there will be no place available for us."
Breakfast 

Husband: "Darling! I'm getting late from the office. When will breakfast be ready?"

Wife: "You have a habit of making noise. I have been saying for two hours that breakfast will be ready in just fifteen minutes."
Most beautiful woman in the world

A woman found a bottle. A genie was imprisoned in this bottle. Woman freed the genie. Genie was very happy. He spoke. "I will fulfill your three wishes. Whatever you ask from me you will get, but your husband will get ten times more than you."

Woman was very angry after hearing this. Then she thought something and spoke. "My first wish is that you make me most beautiful woman in the world."

Genie said. "Think again, your husband will become ten times more beautiful than you."

Woman said. "It doesn't matter, when I become most beautiful woman in the world, my husband will only see me."

Genie recited a mantra and woman became beautiful lady of the world. Now woman told her second wish. "Make me richest."

Genie said, "Think again, your husband will become ten times richer than you."

Woman said. "It doesn't matter, his wealth or my wealth is same thing."

Genie recited a mantra again and woman became rich. Now genie asked the woman for her third wish. 

Woman spoke. "Give me a mild heart attack."
Revenge

Girl created a ruckus when she entered the house. The whole family gathered immediately. Father asked in a nervous tone. "What happened daughter?"

"Dad, a boy has been harassing me for two months continuously.” Girl said in tears.

"I call the police right now and teach this bastard a lesson.” Father said angrily and took out his mobile phone from his pocket.

"No dad." Girl said, wiping away her tears. "Don't call the police. I want to punish him even more severely."

"What kind of punishment?" Father said in surprise.

Girl said in a serious tone. "I will marry this boy."

Hearing this, father smiled and said. "Daughter! You are just like your mother in terms of revenge."