Love with nurse
A patient was hospitalized for several days. He had fallen in love with a beautiful nurse at the hospital. One day when the nurse was checking his blood pressure, he whispered to the nurse. "You are so beautiful, I have fallen in love with you. I want you to be with me forever, so I do not want to recover."
"You will never recover now. Nurse told him with a smile. "Doctor has seen you expressing love to me and he also loves me. Before this, this doctor had given injections of poison to three patients who expressed their love for me."
Three madmen were talking to each other in the madhouse. First madman said. "It is so cold in our village that people sleep with two blankets."
Second madman spoke. "It is nothing, it is so cold in our village that people sleep with four blankets."
Third madman spoke. "It is colder in my village than your villages."
First two madmen spoke in unison. "How does?"
Third madman replied. "It is so cold in our village that the buffaloes give ice cream instead of milk."
A man called the fire station and said. “Look, I have recently decorated my garden, I have planted precious plants in it.”
“Has it caught fire?” Asked from the other side.
“Some plants are absolutely rare. I've got them with great difficulty.”
A very angry voice came from the other side. “Look, sir! It's a fire station, not a flower or plant store.”
“I know! Just listen to me carefully, there is a fire in my neighborhood and I don't want you to damage my garden and plants when you come to douse the fire.”
A man fell into the river. When he began to drown, he began to shout loudly. "Save me, save me."
A man passing by the shore asked him. "Don't you know how to swim?"
Drowning man replied. "No, I never learned to swim."
Passer-by said. "Learn to swim well now, this good opportunity will not come again."
Precious Bowl
A man sat on the counter of his shop feeding milk to his cat in an antique Chinese bowl. This antique Chinese bowl was very valuable. A woman who was very fond to collect ancient antiquities passed by. Suddenly her eyes fell on the bowl.
As soon as she saw the bowl, she guessed that the price of this antique Chinese bowl is not less than thirty thousand dollars. Woman thought that this man might not be aware of the value of bowl, so she planned to get that precious bowl.
So this lady said very cleverly. "Sir, would you like to sell this cat?"
"This is my pet cat. "Said the man. "But if you like it that much, buy it for fifty dollars."
The woman immediately took out fifty dollars and gave it to the man and bought the cat, but as she was leaving, she said to the shopkeeper. "I think this bowl is of no use to you anymore. Please give this bowl to me. I will use this bowl for feeding milk to the cat."
The shopkeeper said. "Lady! I can't give you this bowl, because I have sold three hundred cats so far by showing this bowl."
Wallet
Judge to accused: "Why did you beat him up after stealing the wallet?"
Accused: "Because the wallet was empty."
Stars
Teacher asked to student. "Tell me, why are the stars not visible during the day?"
Student replied. “Because they go to sleep during the day after waking up all night."
Interview
Interviewer: "You are traveling in an airplane. There are 500 bricks in this plane. You threw down a brick. How many other bricks are left in plane?"
Candidate: "499."
Interviewer: "Correct. How can you keep elephant in fridge in three steps?"
Candidate: "Opened the fridge, kept the elephant inside and closed the fridge."
Interviewer: "Correct. How can you keep deer in fridge in four steps?"
Candidate: "Opened the fridge, pulled out the elephant, kept the deer inside and closed the fridge."
Interviewer: "Correct. It is birthday of lion, all animals have come, but one animal has not come, tell which animal it is?"
Candidate: "Deer, because that is in the fridge."
Interviewer: "Correct. An old woman has to cross lake in which crocodiles live, tell me how the old woman will cross the lake?"
Candidate: "old woman can cross the lake without worry because crocodiles have gone to lion's birthday."
Interviewer: "You are right, but the old woman still died while crossing the lake. Tell me why?"
Candidate: "I think she must have drowned in the lake."
Interviewer: "No, the brick that you threw from the plane fell on her head. You are not fit for this job, you can go."
Chick
First madman: "I wonder how a chick comes out of an egg?"
Second madman: "Even more surprising is how the chick gets into the egg?"
Airport
A man was passing through the market when he noticed a woman, who was wearing a very tight dress. There was embroidery of many airplanes on the woman's shirt. The man began to look at the woman with great interest. At first, the woman kept quiet, but when the man did not take his eyes off, she got fed up and said. "Have you never seen airplanes?"
The man said. "I've seen the airplanes, but I did not see the airport."
Sleep Medicine
At two o'clock in the night a patient called his doctor. "Doctor, I'm sorry to bother you. But what to do, I can't sleep.”
"Use the sleep medicine I gave you. You will feel sleepy." The doctor advised.
"I have also used that medicine, but sleep is far away from my eyes." Then after a short pause he spoke. "In fact, the fee bill you sent me has given me sleepless. By God, I cannot pay this bill."
“Oh my God.” Said the doctor. “What did you say to me?” Now I have lost sleep.”
With great fun
"Hello brother, how is life going?" A tourist inquired from a local farmer.
Farmer said. "Brother! With great fun, I was about to cut down these trees when a strong storm hit and all these trees fell down automatically. One day, when I thought of cutting the grass, lightning struck and all the grass was burnt to ashes and I was saved from pain of cutting grass."
"Very nice! What are intentions now?" Tourist asked.
Farmer replied innocently. "Now I am waiting for earthquake so that ground below goes up and thus I will avoid the trouble of uprooting potato crop."
Job
One person got a job in the zoo. The job was to sit in a cage wearing the skin of a leopard at appointed time. The cage next to leopard belonged to the lion. There was a door between the two cages. One day door was left open and lion came into the cage of leopard. Leopard-like person started shouting. "Lion has come, lion has come."
Lion brought his mouth close to leopard-like man's ear and said. "keep silent otherwise we both will lose our jobs."
24 Cows
A farmer asked for a loan from the bank. Manager asked. "What guarantee will you give?"
Farmer said. "I have 24 cows."
Therefore, the farmer got the money. After some period, farmer brought a large amount of money and counted the bank loan amount from it and returned it to manager. Manager said. "You deposit rest of money with us."
Farmer looked at him and said. "How many cows do you have?”
Lady Doctor
A lady doctor opened a new clinic. After a while a man entered the clinic. Lady Doctor picked up receiver of the phone to show herself busy and started talking.
She was pretending up like that as if she was giving instructions to a patient on the phone. After a long time, she put down the receiver of the phone and then she said looking at the man. "Yes, tell me what happened?"
Man laughed and said. "I am from telephone department. I have come to activate your phone connection. If you have finished talking, I activate the phone.”
He who thinks of himself as a fool
A new teacher was trying to make use of her knowledge of child psychology to make the children learn better. She started her class by saying, “He who thinks of himself as a fool, stand up.”
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. Teacher said. “Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?”
“No Ma’am.” He said. “But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
Mother
A twenty-two-years-old youth entered the market and engaged in shopping. Suddenly he felt that a woman was following him. Young man looked back. He saw an old woman. He asked politely. "Mother! Why are you following me?"
Old woman said. "Son! Your form resembles that of my late son. I was following you, thinking of you as my son. Right now, you have called me mother, I felt as if my son had called me mother."
Tears started flowing from the old woman's eyes. Young man said in a sweet tone. "No problem, you consider me as your son."
Old woman said. "Son! Will you call me mother again?"
Young man called her as mother. She said. "Son! I hear loud, speak loud."
The young man said in a loud voice. "Mother."
Old woman kissed the hands of young man and left there crying. Seeing this scene, young man could not control himself and tears came out of his eyes. He decided to go back without completing his purchase. When he reached the counter, cashier handed him a bill of two hundred dollars. Young man asked in surprise. "How about two hundred dollars?"
Cashier spoke. "Twenty dollars’ worth of goods have been bought by you and one hundred and eighty dollars’ worth of goods have been bought by your mother, whom you were calling mother a little while ago."
Now the young man also calls his real mother an aunt.
The Law of Gravity
A school kid asks his teacher. “Is it true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?”
Teacher replied. “Yes.”
Kid asked again. “Then what thing kept us on earth before the law was passed?”
Mentioned in Newspaper
One man said to another man. "I have been mentioned in the newspaper."
"What is written?" Second man asked,
First man replied. "It is written in the newspaper that the population of the country has increased to 150 million."
Second man asked. "Where is your mention in this?"
First man replied. "I am also included in 150 million population."
Lullaby
At night, a child was crying a lot, his grandmother said to the child's mother. "Daughter-in-law, give baby lullaby, it will surely sleep."
When the child's mother started giving lullaby, voice came from the flat above. "It is better to let the baby cry than this lullaby."
Rabbits Eat Carrots
One man's eyesight was getting weak. He went to the doctor for treatment. After examining the eyes, doctor said to him. "Do not immediately wear glasses. You start eating carrots."
"But my rabbits eat carrots very fondly. This is a strange treatment." Man said.
Doctor spoke. “Have you seen any of your rabbits wearing glasses?"
Lightweight or heavy book
A man went to the library. He said to the librarian. "Give me a good book."
"What kind of book would you like to read?" Asked the librarian. "Lightweight, or heavy with thought and emotion?"
Man spoke. "It doesn't matter to me whether the book is Lightweight or heavy. My car is parked outside."
Ass
A military recruit was very tight-lipped by his officer’s strictness. But being a junior, he could not do anything. One day he asked the officer to vent his anger. “What would you do if I called you an ass?”
Officer replied angrily. “I will court-martial you.”
Recruit asked again. “And Sir.......if I call you an ass in my heart, then what will you do?”
“Then I can't do anything.” Officer replied.
Recruit spoke. "So sir.....I am thinking in my heart that you are an ass."
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